Racist remark? Or am I overreacting? My wife and I are looking to buy a house. We wandered over to Foxtons and found a few that looked pretty good, so we plotted out their locations and took a ride this afternoon to see what the places looked like in person, what the neighborhoods were like, etc. The first two houses were about a mile apart. We saw the first one and agreed that it was too small, so we moved on. The second one was in a nicer neighborhood and looked a little better. I asked my wife, "What do you think?" Her response was, "I don't want to live in an all-black neighborhood. I won't feel safe. We'll be a target." Now, I'm the least racist person in the universe and got pretty pissed off over this comment. We were sitting in the car on the side of the street and hadn't seen anyone in the past several minutes, for several blocks. How she could divine that we were in an all-black neighborhood is a total mystery. Yes, most of the people we'd passed were predominantly black but there were also white, Asian, Hispanic and others in there. We got into an argument over this and she tried to backtrack, rationalizing that most black neighborhoods are high crime neighborhoods and that's what she actually meant. I countered with, she didn't say she didn't want to live in a high-crime neighborhood, she said she didn't want to live in an all-black neighborhood, and that's two very different things. She disagrees and denies it was a racist remark. Am I overreacting to this? I love my wife but have never heard her utter anything even vaguely racist in all the time I've known her (about eight years). Is what she said a racist remark, or am I just finding patterns within shadows?

If she had not said anything racist in the past x years, or showed any signs of being a racist, I doubt she meant it that way. Agreed, it did come out....ahh...badly. But I don't think shes a racist. Having said that, I dont personally know her so I dont know for sure. Only you know the answer to that. Also, I am not racist at all myself. I dont she meant it the way it came out but im no expert.

I tend to agree with TS on this one Probably not racist but just something she said without thinking. We have all been known to say something stupid once in a while. If you don't feel that she has been racist for the past x years, then she probably isn't and it wasn't intended to be that way. Just my two cents

WHY don't you talk to her and not CL fastest way to divorce is no communication- trust me- been there

True, go discuss it with her

WHY do you think that I haven't?

Some comments I was very naive until I moved out of the area that I grew up in. Then I got a big wake up . Prejudice is a big issue. It may not be with you or me. But it is with many, many, many people. And prejudice exists in a big way. I don't think your wife was being racist, I think she was being prudent. If I were to walk in certain areas of some cities, I would be a target and I know it. My spouse was walking in a predominately African American, i.e. "black" area on Thursday and experienced looks, comments, and negative behavior from strangers. He is American Indian, i.e. "red" but looks Northern European, i.e. "white". I have experienced the same thing in other areas of other cities. I would never live in a neighborhood of another race simply because you do become a target. I learned this lesson with one friend. I had a friend from college that was a black male and I am white female. Just in having some fun together in public, not even kissing, nor hugging, we experienced an inordinate amount of abuse from others around us. Your wife seems to simply feel more comfortable around people that are like her, which is true for all of us, whether we would like to admit it or not. I do not feel comfortable around people with significantly less intelligence than I have be they purple or green. It doesn't mean I treat less intelligent people badly, nor do I think less of them because it was simply the luck of the draw, on the contrary, I seem to work harder to relate and understand them. Working harder to relate to them makes me feel more stressed and so less intelligent people are not my close friends, though I had a friend last year who could not pass a basic math and reading test. We are no longer friends but that was because of her character, not her intelligence. I vote over-reacting and state you owe your wife a big apology. She is a human being with feelings and preferences and those feelings and preferences need to be respected - Just as yours do. You need to ask yourself why the over-reaction?

I'm white, my husband black and I have never encountered anything negative because of our mixed race in the last decade. I make an effort to live in mixed race neighborhoods and also neighborhoods with mixed economic backgrounds and I believe I have benefitted from that experience and it has enriched my life. To the OP. I think that comment was racist. I can't see another way of interpreting it. Having said that, perhaps you guys should make an effort to expand your social circle of friends and get to know people who don't look like you and get over those fears and prejudices.

Wow! Not one problem? Not my experience at all.

Additionally, An addendum to my comments...I WOULD live in a mixed race neighborhood. That is no problem, but you can't even find them here. Race is that big of a deal around here and if race is a big deal to OTHER people, you never know what they are thinking. We do have very good friends of other races that actually feel the same as we do. You just can't fight city hall sometimes. You have to live with your race, but you can have mixed race friends. Totally absurd situation.

Probably depends part of the country you live in too. Some parts are more racist than others.

Have you ever been to an all-black area that was really nice and really safe? Or where the people were open-minded, tolerant, and happy about diversity? I doubt it. Like I said in my reply below, places like that just don't exist. Yes there are neighborhoods like I described where black people live, but not all black neighborhoods. If you can point one out to me, then you are right, her remark was racist. But in reality, it's just a statistical truth.

Yes. It's where I grew up. I grew up in a suburb in central New Jersey, not too far from Rutgers University. This was a nice neighborhood, decidedly upper-middle class, with large houses on plots of land as large as one acre. x years ago when I was growing up there most of the people were white, yes, but there were also a number of Asian, black, and Indian ("dots, not feathers") people living there. When I was ~x my playmates consisted of a white Jewish boy, a white Jewish girl, an Irish boy, an Asian boy, and an Indian girl. In school it was even more diverse, and today there's even more black and Indian people living less than a x/x mile from the house I grew up in -- and the crime rate has not increased, and property values have INCREASED. So to say that there are little or no tolerant communities around is just false, sorry.

That isn't what he said, you misread He said that there WERE diverse communities that were nice and tolerant, but that usually ALL-black communities were not nice, and were not safe either. Diverse communities and all-(whatever race) communities are a different thing.

That's still not what I described. I wasn't talking about a nice multicultural, diverse community. Most of those are great places to live. And that's not what the OP was describing either. I'm talking about an ALL BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD. There aren't any upper-middle class, large houses on plots of land ALL black neighborhoods. They unfortunately don't exist. Not the way it should be, but that's what we have. Now if the OPs wife had gone to such a neighborhood, an upper-middle class, nice happy all black neighborhood, then yes I would have considered her comment to be tainted with racism. But that's not what happened here.

my DH grew up in Shaker Heights, Cleveland, OH nice, upscale, and predominantly black.

same constellation, but many problems My African-American husband and me (Caucasian) do run into problems. Not very obvious ones but it's all around us. Whether it's the looks we get when we go to church, or the comments on living where we do (a nice upscale neighborhood), or the cars we drive, or his job as an MD, there is always something. Most recent incident - I just started a new job. A co-worker was throwing a backyard BBQ yesterday to celebrate her engagement. My husband and I were invited, along with the other co-workers and their SO's. She came to me on Friday and told me, "I told my fiance that your husband is black and asked him if he minded if you bring him along, and he said no." Harmless and nice as this comment seemingly is, it is evil because no one should even think of bringing up race in any social context and ask if race was a problem at a social gathering. To the OP - I agree with what pretty much everyone else says. If you have never noticed racist tendencies in your wife, it was most likely just an unfortunate way to express herself. Yet and still, she should make an effort to watch her speech. You were right on ing her on THAT. But if she really misspoke, then you need to move past it now. Good luck with the home-purchase!

I agree with you It is good you ed her on it, and she should be more aware next time of her words, but since you said you havent heard or seen racist remarks or behavior from her in the past x years, its time to move on and let it go.

That remark would have definitely made me very uncomfortable. I would be shocked if my husband said something like that. I don't think you overreacted at all. I definitely would have explored the issue with her. But if she's never said anything like that in the entire time you've known her, and if she was clearly trying to backtrack, it seems she knows that what she said was wrong. It sounds like a matter of ignorance and lack of exposure to these issues on her part, rather than anything overtly hateful or vicious. Maybe the best thing you can do is to keep her accountable for her thoughts and words, like you did here.

Yes, it's a racist remark that I have heard too to count. And when I mention to the offending person that that's a racist assumption, the person ALWAYS freaks out and swears thay they are not racist. If you've grown up in America, you've been exposed to racist beliefs and prejudice from day one. The big problem is that African Americans are not seen as a diverse group, and many people have little or no exposure with African Americans in general. Add to that formula of the little exposure being bad tv shows, rappers, and the Black underclass who are just as angry/ dissolute as the underclass of any ethnic group. So your wife doesn't want to be a "white" or non-black target in what SHE perceives as "black neighborhood"? Have her imagine being the only "black" in a white neighborhood. Imagine the cops being ed on you because your neighbors don't think youbelong there, even though you're an educated professional. Truth is stranger than fiction. I'm a firm believer in ethniy diverse neighborhoods. I'd talk to her, but don't expect her to admit to her racism or change.

Wow, what an overreaction So, it's okay for YOU to say that white neighborhoods target black families, but it's not okay for her to say that black neighborhoods have higher crime in general? I find it funny that people like YOU are the biggest racists and stereotypers of them all, but always want to blame everyone else. You said, "If you've grown up in America, you've been exposed to racist beliefs and prejudice from day one." How would you know? Were you in my house with me? Did you go to school with me? You know NOTHING about me, or the OP's wife. That comment does not make you appear to be the LEAST BIT educated or professional. It's people like you, who are filled with hatred, and who want to attack everyone else that are perpetuating the problem.

you sound like a racist

That doesn't make any sense "So your wife doesn't want to be a "white" or non-black target in what SHE perceives as "black neighborhood"? Have her imagine being the only "black" in a white neighborhood. Imagine the cops being ed on you because your neighbors don't think youbelong there, even though you're an educated professional. Truth is stranger than fiction." What does it matter if she imagines it? Woudl that make her change her mind and move into the neighborhood anyway? Of course not. That argument doesn't even fit this situation. Imagine being the only black in a white neighborhood. A difficult existence yes. But does that mean the black person WANTED to be the only black person in the white neighborhood??? I highly doubt it. She hasn't exactly questioned the entirety of the black struggle in America!!! She simply said she doesn't want to be the only X family in a Z neighhborhood. Why make yourself uncomfortable or make yourself stick out when you have the choice? One white family in this neighborhood is highly unlikely to create diversity. Plus I doubt she wants to be the bastion of the white diversity movement in that area. Come on.

Maybe just a poor choice of words She probably could have worded it in a better way, but I don't think she was wrong for giving her honest opinion. Sometimes we all say something that we didn't mean.

True, I know I have before I am by no means perfect, and sometimes it sounds better in your head than when it does when you say it out loud.

Unfortunately, chances are she's right. She's just using common sense, not being racist. I have NEVER been to an all-black neighborhood that was really nice or really safe. Those don't really exist in the real world. It's the unfortunate truth. However, that's not to say that an all-white neighborhood is necessarily any better!

Common sense? How is "I don't want to live in an all-black neighborhood" considered 'common sense'? Had she said, "I don't want to live in a high-crime neighborhood", that would be fine. Had she said, "this neighborhood doesn't look entirely safe", that would be fine. But she didn't say either of those things. She specifiy said that she doesn't want to live in an all-black neighborhood. Whether or not there's a correlation between the race of the neighborhood and the amount of crime that happens is irrelevant.

Well statistiy all black neighborhood = more crime. That's the truth of the matter. There's no peace love and happiness, can't we all just get along, it's a small world after all to inject into that equation. Yes it's unfair, and yes it's a result of racism and prejudice, but alas, it's still the truth. And I'm willing to bet a person of any color of the rainbow wouldn't want to move into a neighborhood where they would be the only family of that color, black white blue or green.

It doesn't matter. all black neighborhood = more crime Again: My wife didn't say she didn't want to live in a high-crime neighborhood. She said she didn't want to live in an all-black neighborhood. There's a HUGE difference in perception there. Do you not want to live there because there's high crime, or do you not want to live there because "everyone" is black? The two conditions, while statistiy there may be some correlation, are not interchangable -- any more than saying "I don't want to live in an all-Muslim community because I don't want to be killed in a jihad."